Thursday, July 31, 2003 | Thursday, July 31, 2003

Just imagine: if we were all living a hundred, or as a matter of fact, fifty years ago, i wouldn't be studying now. I'd be FAT, with maybe goodness knows how many kids squalling me to my grave. (influence, influence from urban geog...! ie. lack of birth control, my kids being economic assets etc etc.) Okok, scrap that image, ahah. Anyway, was just wondering why i hafta work so hard. This is Singapore madam, if you don't work hard now, you won't live well later... Supposed to be doing work now, but argh, can't concentrate! Still feeling dreamy..haha. Went Bugis after school just now; intended to buy alot of stuff, but somehow, narrowed it down to one, the all-essential lip balm. Sigh. I am such a stingie. The company was great though. Anyway tomorrow's another long day..and I'm already feeling so stonified just thinking about it. Promos are in 7 weeks' time; need to start studying seriously now, otherwise i can kiss my future goodbye. Sigh. Plus, i can't wait for the four months to go by!! Like, seriously! It's soo loong........man. Four months, four months. Bahh. Oh cruel world.

Friday, July 25, 2003 | Friday, July 25, 2003

My eyes are all swollen now; tomorrow will have nice double eyelids :) Yeah anyway, i can't really give a logical reason why i just had a crying fit. Rule out pms, it's not due for a long while yet. Could it be that i simply just felt extremely jealous?? Nahh...that's not me. Or maybe i really did. I dunno. Uncertainty; insecurity; jealousy; always-fluctuating-between-happiness-and-gloominess; yeah could be. All feelings i haven't felt in a long time...three years? Whatever the case, i don't like it. I want certainty about my future; i want a reason to feel happy living each day in my life. Is it always gonna be like that? Is it so difficult to not get what i want so badly, certainty? What if nothing comes out of this? What if something does? I can't bear to back out. I can't move forward. So all I'm stuck at is in the middle. Anyway, all the lit students had a very enlightening lecture on the birds and the bees today...in fact, i might as well say it was damn graphic! John Donne...horny guy..hmmm. Didn't know a little thing like a flea could serve up such a strong metaphor. And the good ol' word 'die'!! Okay, so that's all for today. Tomorrow's meet the parents session. Hope Mr Chen manages to manipulate the truth a little and make my parents happy! Hehe..

Tuesday, July 22, 2003 | Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Everything seems so crystal clear now. It's like a huge burden lifted off; now i know why my pimples were sprouting out lately! Well, even though it's clear what i should or should not do now, it still is depressing. In school today , i was just mopping around half the day. The other half got better though, got a free ride home from Mr Chen :) so i saved time and money, haha. Hey, you out there, it hurts so bad sometimes. But i know these things take time, sigh. In a few years..who knows? Meantime, i agree, it does suck. Okay, my mood's starting to get blacker again. Gonna watch Friends (booby implants!) to cheer meself up. To wind up, i guess this extract sums up what I'm feeling now: When thou sigh'st, thou sigh'st not winde / But sigh'st my soule away / When thou weep'st, unkindly kinde / My lifes blood doth decay. / It cannot bee / That thou lov'st mee, as thou say'st / If in thine my life thou waste, / Thou art the best of mee.

Monday, July 21, 2003 | Monday, July 21, 2003

I am so so tired. Sometimes i really wonder, what do i really want in life?? Spilt out a foolscap page of confession on why i didn't do well for mid years for PCCG last friday..and added a tongue-in-cheek comment that if things doesn't get better for me, i'd just go be a rich tai tai. How'd i know esther and eunice would go home and tell their boyfriend and mum about what i said?! Heyy..i didn't really mean it! Or, did i? Ahah. I am feeling so confused right now, i guess about both my current and future life now. I need need need a nice journal to write all my thoughts in, I'm journal-deprived. Have had no choice but to write in scraps of foolscap to be filed up later..now wondering which place to put them safely so no one will find 'em, ahah. Ok, I gotta go do geog hw now, nowadays Mr Chen's in a black mood, guess he's depressed about our mid year geog grades, better not make him any blacker..

Tuesday, July 15, 2003 | Tuesday, July 15, 2003

These past few days have sucked..just felt incredibly stoned. I couldn’t even imagine why, til I called Nic, ahah. Sorry ah girl, for not calling sooner. Spent slightly more than two hours on the phone catching up on three weeks or so worth of silence=), half an hour of which I was in the toilet, muahah. Yeah, so far I’ve gotten back geog and econs; geog was disappointing, if not for that stoopid data-response…! Sigh. Got an F for that, but with moderation I should get an AO. Got F for econs too, just missed an AO by a miserable 3%, darn! Well, at least it’s an improvement from the block tests.. Yep, so that’s about it. I’m almost dropping off to sleep. Nite.

Sunday, July 13, 2003 | Sunday, July 13, 2003

Oh happy day! He finally realised that I'm upset with him and apologised. Whew, after 3 months! And a big telling-off a few weeks ago. I'm glad. It wasn't nice to hate someone with all your might. Anyway, i realise that I haven't been blogging in regularly, it isn't that I'm so busy..just that Nic is rite, you can't display all your thoughts safely here in public. Been feeling confused about alot of stuff lately, but it's best not to display in here. Where's my diary?! Sigh, gotta get a new one, my old one's finished. Feeling so down now...it sucks, you know that?

Saturday, July 05, 2003 | Saturday, July 05, 2003

Just finished reading the harry potter book. Whew! After late nights ever since wednesday when exams ended..I'm so glad it's over. Haha, reading it was starting to feel like a chore. You know, hadda know what was happening in his life and all that. Can you believe it, when the previous four books came out, he was the same age as me, and I started having a crush on this fictional fella! So idiotic now, come to think of it. Now he's two years younger. Anyway, nothing else to add. Later going for cell, dinner earlier first. Seeya:)

Friday, July 04, 2003 | Friday, July 04, 2003

Exams are over, overr! Was happy a few moments ago, but now...sigh. Will come to that later. Anyway, JC exams are a nightmare. Serious. I only just realised that one round of jc exams is equal to the preparation of O levels! I predict a dark and harrowing future for the next one and a half years...if i even make it to next year. I mean, I know I'm not too bright, but at least in secondary school I still managed to scape through with decently decent grades even with half-studying right? JC's all screwed; you hafta pay attention to every lecture else you're dead; you hafta do every tutorial question faithfully else if it comes up in exams you're screwed; if you fall asleep, that's your doom. Yet, what else can I do? Today I practically told the whole class that I'd want to be like Sumiko Tan, something that's private and personal (was!), until Mr Chua hadda ask me, and naturally I couldn't just lie, right?! I can't help it; just feel so stressed talking about JC. It has to be study, study, study all the way. And you know, church youth camp's this december. Its gonna be my first, never attended a single one before this, and guess what, I'm in charge of games; bout 100 ppl plus?? It's terrifying in a way..and now I'm short of one committee member, she wants to do worship instead..oh well. Have to trust God on getting me through this, and also I must have been put in this position for a reason rite? Still trying to understand what, ahah. Okay, i think i better go, sis's sleeping, hard to type softly w/o making any noise. Stupid modem..grr..why did it hafta be in her room?!